The J-Man Chronicles: Uneven Legs and the Plausibly Accidental Sky Penis

I suppose it could be a coincidence. After all, isn't it possible that the Air Force could or would come up with a flight plan that bears, at the very least, some resemblance to a certain male apparatus? When you see it, you can make up your mind.

Before rushing to judgment, consider some alternatives:

• A legless dachshund wedged between two pumpkins.
• The Planter's Peanut Man is wearing his glasses too low.
• Me trying to get somewhere before GPS.

Nah. It's a peenie.

Predictably, Twitter went nuts, just like its owner.

Who knew that a flight plan would become such a powerful communication tool? Ukraine's president Volodymyr Zelensky used a variation of the Peenie Plane Plan to express his feelings toward Vladimir Putin. 

According to Kremlin sources, Putin didn't have time to formulate his response because he was busy selecting strategic military targets to fire rockets at, for example, putt putt courses, mahjong clubs, and popcorn vendors.

Want longer legs? And what happens if you can't afford two at once?

First, as a former victim of online dating (See What's Worse, COVID Or Online Dating?) I'm speaking from experience. The process, not unlike having your teeth removed with a lobster claw, does reveal the darker side of human nature – the ability to lie seamlessly. It's a special kind of hell. How bad? Let's ask our experts.

Steve (left) and Irving bemoan their ill-fated quest for love. But at least they ended up in a better place.

At the risk of being the target of a bunch of angry women, here are a few observations:

• Men lie
• Women lie
• Men are shallow pigs
• Women are simply shallow

Huh? Aren't women supposed to be more interested in the wealth character of potential partners and not care as much about their physical appearance? This is mostly true, with one notable exception: Height. Although they won't admit it, women are turned off by short guys, perhaps even more than when a random guy shows up with a booger stuck in his mustache. In an experiment that is unlikely to pass muster with any Institutional Review Board, if you took a guy, even a good-looking, pleasant guy, who is 5'2" (might as well join a monastery) and somehow stretched his legs so that he is now 5'11" he'll then be swamped with messages from women (many of whom have posted a 20-year old photo). Short guys are doomed, which is why they frequently lie about their height, presumably hoping that the woman won't notice. This is a very bad plan.

What's a short guy to do? How can he get taller? Put a 6" lift in his shoes? Stay seated for the entire date? Believe it or not, there is a way for men to get taller: Leg lengthening surgery. No, I'm not kidding. It's already a $4 billion industry and growing (heh) fast. But there are a few downsides:

• The cost is in the 75K-250K range
• It's really painful.
• You'll need to throw out all your pants.
• You're OK with having both your femurs broken and a titanium spacer attached to each piece.

Here is a selection of quotes from men who have undergone the procedure:

• One man, unaccustomed to his new height, had trouble at urinals. "I’m pissing all over the place!"
• How to explain the difference: “I’m just going to tell everyone that they put so many things in the vaccine.”
• "Man, you’ve gotten shorter!”

The title of this article is vaguely disturbing: All About My Second Leg Lengthening Surgery. There are two ways to interpret this: He had the procedure done twice, or he did one leg at a time, perhaps for budgetary reasons. The second option seems like a terrible idea.

George, 5'4" on a good day but a little short (heh) on cash, chose the second option.

(Left) Natural George. (Right) Cheapskate George. Free photo: Image used under license from Freestock.com">Freestock

In the end, George made the wrong choice, which immediately became apparent while walking around Manhattan

Image: Facebook